Goodnight I said to you goodnight
Dream of all the impossible

And you wake you see
That all these dreams aren't fake
There real
Not impossible

Believe you'll be alright
Sad things you keep inside
So go tell me whats its like
Tell me what you like apart when you dream

Food - A love/hate relationship

If you know me personally you know I'm what some would call 'skinny'. I'm around 5'2" with a slight frame and I currently weigh 43 kg. I am definitely underweight and I know it. Not that I like being so light and wispy. A few months ago I'd been going on a steady 45kg, I was at that weight for more than 5 years with very little ups and downs. The heaviest I've ever ever been was 47kg in my third year, when we went for heritage studies.

It's not like I don't try to gain weight, I really have tried. but the pounds don't seem to stick. A few months ago there was a health screening thing in UIA and I went just for fun. My metabolism rate was off the charts, and according to the guy at the booth, it's because of my irregular sleeping pattern and irregular mealtimes. Ideally, I should be around 50kg (although the reading below said 54..I can't imagine being over 50. Masa 47 pun dah tercungap2 naik tangga kaed..)

BMR- thats my body's metabolic rate

My dilemma is this:
When people eat, they usually feel energized, yea? Not me. When I get hungry and remember to eat, I get extremely drowsy and sluggish afterwards. it's not even funny. if you ask any of my teachers/lecturers/classmates since high school they'll know I slept in just about every single class.

I'm also..lazy and forgetful when it comes to eating. If I'm at home in my room doing work or whatever, I'd usually forget to eat, and when I do remember at the end of the day or in the afternoon, I tend to be all 'I'm too lazy to go all the way downstairs and cook something..and I'm not that hungry anyways.'

When I don't eat, I will eventually get very tired and can't do work due to lack of energy (obviously) but when I do eat, I get super sleepy and can't really function as well. So, to eat or not to eat?

Being the paranoid person I am, I'm half certain that I have either narcolepsy or some weird gluten allergy/celiac disease or that there's something wrong with my blood. I mean, I know I have low blood pressure but maybe my oxygen count is low or I don't have enough blood or what. hmhmhm

I suppose one problem might be what I'm eating and when I'm eating it. I rarely have breakfast which I know, is the most important meal of the day (at least that's what everyone says) and usually only have either lunch or dinner, and at irregular times. So in an effort to make myself more food-disciplined, a friend suggested I keep a food journal. it's been 3 days since I started and immediately it's obvious that I skip breakfast and I tend to snack a lot. In our household, we usually cook with less oil and less salt because its healthier, but on my part I'm very picky about what I eat. I only eat certain veggies and only if they're fresh, etc2.

Need to start taking care of myself because who else is gonna do that. Also probably need to learn how to cook. :| And exercise/be more active.

Healthy me Insha'Allah (right after I finish my thesis >.< )

Beginning of the end

*brushes aside cobwebs and dust*

I suddenly feel like blogging again. I probably won't but it's just a feeling. It's the final stretch of my Final Semester of my Final year in B. Arch, 3 more weeks till I have to submit my design thesis. I'm nowhere near done and I don't know if I will be come the 16th of May. In all honesty I should be working on it now but today has not been a good day.

I woke up late because last night I was up till quite late, trying to get a chapter written, and then my friend pinged me on gtalk and we talked about River and the Ponds and how complicated river's timeline is.

River Song and the Doctor's Timeline

L=R: Rory, Amy, Doctor, River

Didn't really help that I was woken up in the middle of the night by my mom asking me where my brother's overalls were. (?)

Woke up proper and found out our last kitten got hit by a car and had died.

T___T

That's probably why I don't feel like doing any work. My thesis is about animal welfare, but all our cats keep dying. Makes me feel like a phony.

---

In an attempt to make my life more interesting and to take my mind of Things, my weekends have been pretty packed as of late. Hanging out with friends, playing games, cooking, climbing up Tabur, white-water rafting, karaoke, concert-going and movie watching. It's been fun, but at the same time, once the weekends are over, I sink back into stress and depression. it's been getting slightly better but things happen and it triggers all the emo switches.

---
Beach and ikan bakar outing with the girls at bagan lalang

kfc and egg sandwich picnic. L-R: Nadiah, Ilham, Aziza, Hannat

watching the sunset then praying on the beach :)

---

Pies are quite leceh to make but very delicious. In conjunction with Pi-day (March 14th) Kd, Muz, Nirman and I baked some pies. the Tomyam chicken pot pie was especially tasty. we also made banana-mango pie and lemon cheese pie. recipes were taken from various online sources and tweaked.

---

If you've never played rockband, I think you definitely should. it's a lot of fun and good for stamina and dexterity lol. I was terrible at drums but I think I did ok for a beginner on the bass..

---
AM
Subuh on one weekend a bunch of friends and myself made our way up Bukit Tabur a.k.a the dinosaur in my backyard. this was my second time up and it was a lot of fun. It was great to be able to organize it and ajak my friends along too. Will definitely go again.

ulu kelang dam from one of the peaks

Me and Yang the trooper :)

I dont have a fear of heights but i admit, gayat sikit duduk sini

Photo by Umar Mita

PM
After the descent from Tabur, went for some eats then got home and popped right back out again to make my way to KL Central where me, Ilham, Aziza and Hannat drank obscenely priced coffee at the Hilton cafe and Ilham casually asked Nick Carter for a quick photo like he was our friend or something. Then we dashed off to KLCC for the Twin Towers Alive 2013 concert and to fulfill our adolescent dreams. BSB were A M A Z I N G obviously, but what really surprised me was the number of males in the audience. I'd have thought it would be full of screaming fangirls, but about half the crowd were guys.

mmhm

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Went white water rafting with Ilham and Nadiah in Slim River, Perak. It wasn't as challenging as I thought it'd be, and I came out of the 3 hour session not really tired. It was a whole bunch of fun though, would definitely recommend it although it's a bit pricey at rm180 per person..

one of the stops along the way

Nadiah and I

At a hot spring we stopped by otw back. L-R: Sian Tze, Ilham, Me, K.Nini, Nadiah

---
after the last crit session Mye, Jedot, Mimi and myself drove off to Danau for some stress relief in karaoke. the place was super cheap but it was still ok. I didn't sing too much firstly because I needed to save my voice for Sunday and secondly because I didn't know half the songs they picked. aheh. the next Sunday I went for karaoke again, this time with ilham, hannat, aziza and nadiah at redbox in pavilion. a lot nicer and fancier but also much more expensive. they had a buffet which was good, and we were there for 4 hours singing our hearts out. It was actually a surprise birthday party for aziza, which I forgot about and was taken by surprise when a birthday song started playing all of a sudden and some guy brought in a cake. Loads of fun.

Its election season now

My big Australian adventure

Its been more than a while since i last wrote in this dusty old blog, but this was worth breaking my silent spell for. Australia was the absolute best. I want to move there.

.

:'(

Heart/beat

Every heart beat sends a million knives through my veins
Every thought sends a sharp stab through my heart
Every vision releases a waterfall of tears
Every word

Every

Beautiful

Word

Kills me

words_by_retrodiva3

Embarkation

So the second semester of my B.Arch started today...and from the looks of it its going to be more packed than the last semester.

Last semester's exam results came out. the semester I felt that there was a real possibility that I'd fail every single subject. It's always worst right before the exams. But after sitting for them, they didn't seem that bad. And Alhamdulillah, berkat doa atok, kawan2, parents, I managed to pass with quite good marks.

This sem though, honestly, I'm scared.

I messed up a lot of things last semester. I screwed things up. I was so busy it seemed like I didn't have time to manage my own life and my relationships with people around me. I'm scared that this sem will be the same, or worse.

It's the end of day 1 and already I have 2 assignments, have to think of a topical studies area, thesis, synopsis, Kyoto protocol, add, drop, move in, research on high-rise, polish up holiday assignment.

Yesterday I was feeling very down. I really didn't want to go back to school. but towards the end of the day, I slowly tried getting myself mentally prepared. I ended up thinking, this sem is going to suck real bad. but I'm going to try my best anyway and I'm going to be great!

By the end of today, that flame has all but died off.

Oh Allah, give us strength to face your challenges
Wisdom and courage to make the right choices
Patience for when times get tough
And focus when our minds wander

Reflections, Pt 3

This Old Routine - First Aid Kit

Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

-Desiderata, Max Ehrmann

Finding Peace

I was listening to the radio one day during a rather funny incident (a story for another time) and they were interviewing Nora. She was talking about her...transformation? and journey to becoming a better Muslim. And something she said struck me. It was something like,

"Orang selalu fikir, kalau ber-hijab susah nak cari makan sebagai artis etc2, tapi kita kena ingat, rezeki tu bukan datang dari manusia. Rezeki tu dari Allah. Dan kalau rezeki tu Allah dah tentukan kita yang punya, tak kisah lah jauh mana pun rezeki tu, akan sampai jugak kat kita. Dan kalau rezeki tu Allah tak maksudkan untuk kita, walau depan mata pun, kita takkan dapat rezeki tu." 

A rough translation is,

People always think that it would be hard to make a living as an artist (singer/actor etc) if you wear the hijab. But you have to remember that rizq doesn’t come from people, it comes from Allah. And if Allah has determined that the rizq is meant for you, then no matter how far away it is, you will get it. And if Allah deems that the rizq is not meant for you, then even if it’s right in front of your eyes, you won’t get it.

It struck me because I’d been thinking about all my offers to study overseas. The ones I applied for while clinging to hopes that maybe a miracle would happen and I’d land a scholarship that would let me go and further my studies overseas. And as the university offers rolled in, I’d get excited, and then disappointed because I couldn't go. As time went by, I didn’t let myself get excited as much. but the disappointment still came. I tried to be all blasé about it, and I thought I’d accepted all of that. But every time I’d hear about people flying off to continue their studies I’d get a sharp jab of emotion and a spell of sadness. Maybe it was jealousy, although I’ve been told that not the right word. It’s not that I hated those who could go or that I wish they didn’t get to, not at all. I just really really wished I could go as well.

But listening to the radio interview made me realise that if I’m here, that means here is where I’m meant to be. And There is not my rezeki. And when I realised that, a sort of peace planted itself in me. I think I might definitely still feel those pangs of emotion whenever I hear of people flying off, or hear about their stories, or see their pictures, but I know that that is their rizq, and this is mine. And I’ll grow to accept that, Insha'Allah. After all, God knows what’s best for me.

Bisous

Got a message this morning from Lily who I met in 2010 while she was on holiday in Malaysia. She is a lively Parisian who has been travelling all around the world on her own, making friends along the way. We don't talk often at all, but every so often she would drop me messages and they are really the sweetest things. She sent me a postcard once, out of the blue, from when she was in Bali. and every 'Eid, new year (Islamic and Gregorian) she would email me wishing me and my family all the best and hoping that our paths will cross again.. For someone I only met for a couple of weeks, its really nice of her to still remember me and take time and effort to write me emails and send me Parisian bisous <3

Hani, Lily, Lina, and Maryam, Summer 2010

Holiday to do list

Ok I'm procrastinating again. My exams are not over yet but I already have a list of thing I want to/have to do this holiday :D I have a month. I'm sure i'm being over ambitious, but here it is, in no particular order:

1. Sew something! because i'm a total absolute noob, probably something simple. like a handkerchief. haha. ok maybe a pouch/purse thing.
2. Continue to work on my knitting/crocheting - even out the stitches, edges, and make something instead of just incomplete pocket squares which turn out looking like triangles.
3. Write more - here, there, everywhere. to myself, to friends. on this blog.
4. Sketch things - whatever ideas i have basically. could be about the above mentioned projects, architecture, crafts or anything else. 
5. Papercrafts - make cards and other fun things
6. Clean my room - ohoho yes
7. Fix my clock face - its broken so i want to make a pretty new one
8. Organise my year by putting things into a calender
9. Maybe tinker with this blog design
10. Research on highrise - services, structures, examples, green tech applicable, materials, case studies
11. Do the assignment madam told us to do - what setbacks i experienced this year, how i plan to improve upon them, and what my expectations are for B.Arch
12. I also want to travel
13. Hang out with friends. this can be done together with item no.12
14. Bake. or make bagels.
15. Finish my Zelda game. By finish I mean win, of course. Come on Ethan you can do it!!
16. Continue those french lessons I long abandoned.
17. read more Qur'an and its translations - review those surahs that are fading /have faded from memory 

Twenty Twelve

I had planned to write a recap of 2011, I already took down notes for January and February, and a little bit of march. But in the flurry of busyness surrounding the last few months at my job and the nonstop busy during my semester, it didn’t get done. You can read the half baked blog post at my scraps blog for posts that didn't make it, here.

Also, not that I was any good before, but my writing skills seem to have dwindled down significantly. Probably because of lack of practice. Maybe I should work backwards, start with where I am now. The new years. As it so happens, I’m currently procrastinating. I should be studying for my exams that are just around the corner but although I find economics and all the related stuff fascinating the horde of new concepts and specific terms tend to confuse me, just like it did in high school. Business studies was the only subject I ever got a C for and because I just couldn’t grasp what was being taught I dropped it the next semester. Also perhaps because our teacher was pretty lousy. I still sat in through the classes though, because I was the only one in my grade who wasn’t taking business studies, so even If I did have a free period, there was no one I could hang out with. As it turns out the next semester we had a different teacher who was slightly better but then if my memory serves me right he felt underappreciated because people didn’t respect him in class, so one day he exploded and never came back to finish the syllabus. I mean exploded in anger.

Oh. I should mention that I’m having exams because I decided to continue my Part 2 in architecture. It kind of a difficult concept to explain, whenever I say I’ve taken up studying again people always say, oh, you’re doing your masters? And I have to try and explain that it’s not a masters degree even though it’s at the masters level. For the benefit of anyone randomly traipsing through the web and happened to find my blog by searching for Part 2 bachelor of architecture in UIA (IIUM) I’ll break it down

In Malaysia, to become a licensed architect you need to pass three parts or stages. The first stage is Part 1. In IIUM, Part one is called Bachelor of Science (architectural Studies). It’s mostly the same for other public universities in Malaysia, except some universities combine part one and part 2 into a 5 year course. But in my case, after completing part one; you would have graduated with your first degree.

Then you can either choose to enrol in Part 2 if you want to continue immediately or work first (as I did) or just not continue at all, or continue in other fields. With a part one degree your position in an architecture firm would most probably be that of an assistant architect, though the specific workload you’ll receive as well as the pay differs from firm to firm. I worked for a year before deciding to continue my Part 2.

Part 2 in IIUM and generally most public universities in Malaysia, again, is called Bachelor of Architecture. Even though it’s technically almost a masters degree level/postgraduate course. Well actually, it IS a postgraduate course since we already graduated the first time around. But anyways. In Australia, part 2 is called masters of Architecture, whole in the UK, they don’t have a standard name for the degree, which I think makes it even more confusing, in some universities it is a masters course, while others might call it a postgraduate diploma, postgraduate degree, etc. I guess the confusing part is just the naming. Because it is another undergraduate degree in the eyes of the university, but at postgraduate level, while we have to register as double degree holders. Yeah I don’t think this is helping very much.

Anyway, after completing part 2, you graduate again, and have to work in the architecture industry for a minimum of 2 years before you are allowed to take the part 3 professional exams. There’s no official course you have to go through (I don’t know of any anyways), although there are study groups conducted. If you manage to pass the part 3 exams (if I’m not mistaken there are 2 parts of the exam, written and an interview/oral exam) then you finally become an architect with an Ar. In front of your name. I’ve heard many horror stories about the part 3 exam, and they all seem to be true, the passing rate for the exam is less than 10%!!

Erm yeah so that’s basically it. I can’t be entirely sure what I’ve written is 100% correct and I know it’s definitely not comprehensive, but that’s what I understand anyways.

Where was I? Oh yes. Part 2. I decided to continue part 2. Like my first degree, I planned to do it elsewhere, to have a different experience and to move out of my comfort zone. Applications were filled; certificates and transcripts photocopied, and sent to various universities and scholarship organisations in Australia and New Zealand. My dad told me to try for the UK as well but I found their application systems to be confusing so I didn’t. One by one the offers came through, each one bringing up a little sparkle of excitement which I had to squash down in order not to be thoroughly disappointed like I was in 2007. Didn’t really work because I got disappointed anyways. So again, I sent in local applications, and UIA accepted me and I went. I don’t think I’m quite over it though, because whenever I hear of people flying off, I get a little pang of jealousy and yearning that brings my whole mood down.

The first semester of part 2 proved to be extremely extremely trying and tiring. The stream of assignments never seemed to stop, and the expectations were very high. I don’t think I coped well at all. After having gone through one semester of it, I’m seriously wondering if I want to continue or not. I’m seriously considering quitting. Because even though I like architecture, I appreciate it and all, I don’t see myself enjoying any aspect of it in terms of a job. I wanted to continue my part 2 to see whether I’d want to really be an architect, and to learn the things I needed to know to become a good architect in the field, since when I was working, there was so much that I didn’t know. But now, one semester wiser, I think I might be inching closer to a definite answer. I don’t think I’d want to be an architect like the ones I have worked with/for. If I was to be one, I don’t think I’d open up my own form or even work in one. I’d work on projects that I liked, without chasing clients and so on. I don’t know if that’s a feasible model to work on but I don’t think the stress of the whole architecture industry would suit me. Not just the stress, but the whole business side of it. From what I observed, the priority in the architecture industry was to make money, not to design functional and beautiful buildings that would benefit the community or help people. Of course that’s a narrow perspective having only worked in one firm and heard stories from my colleagues/classmates who have worked as well. Maybe I’ve just yet to find a firm that suits me, and whose main aim isn’t just to make money.

Well I think this post is long and rambling enough as it is, so I’ll save my abstract thought for another time. I have to get back to studying anyways.

I have kitties available for adoption if you want one! they are all super cute and cuddly :)

l-r: 1. BonBon Mignon, the curious adventurous one
2. DimSum (not available for adoption) the cuddly fluffball
3. Souffle, the blue eyed boss
4. Kimchi, the little cutie with puss-in-boot eyes
5. Truffle, the handsome, active and playful one

Reflections Pt2

Its already the second half of the year! Eep! Ramadhan is coming in a month and i really want to make the most out of it this time. I felt like last ramadhan i let a lot of opportunities slip by and even tho part of it was me being busy with work, it was also just me not trying hard enough. I dont want to do that again. Which is why i'm considering quitting my job. I already know i want to stop this year, its just a mette rof when. if i get accepted into any of the local universities (Insah'Alllah), then i will start my semester in September. And i do want a break before joining, so august would be a perfect time for me to uit. I can focus on ramadhan, have my holiday, adn be refereshed, hopefully, for  scholarly life once more. I;m still undecided tho, mostly because i havent received any offers from the local Uni's i applied to. Really hoping they will get back to me asap so i can formally submit my resignation. Tried mentioning it to one of my bosses today but he didnt seem to understand and said it would be better to wait for offers. Thing is i have to give one months notice, so that means if i want to be off work in august, i have to submit my resignation NOW. we'll see how that goes. Insha'Allah i will have decided by the end of this week.

The mysterious land of tears

written on the 25th of June 2011

Yesterday night i watched Pheobe in wonderland, thinking it was going to be a happy and whimsical movie. It wasnt. not to say it wasn't good, but i cried a lot watching it. A lot of emotion in that one, or stuff that i could somehow relate to. There was a scene where Pheobe's mother goes on this outburst. i didnt cry at that part but it was startling how much i could relate to her. not what she was saying, because a lot of it was about motherhood, but how she was feeling. because she'd feel something and that would cause a domino effect of contradicting feelings. And thats what i go through a lot. Another thing is that elle fanning is very very talented. its a good movie, not excellent, but subtle. if you have the chance you must watch it

I remember watching an episode of glee, and crying at one scene. it sounds silly even as i say it but it was the scene where Artie and Brittany broke up. I cried because of what artie said, and then because of what he called brittany. but mostly it was what he said, about not being able to handle not being her everything.

one of our kittens died last week, oreo. i found out as i was leaving the house to go watch super 8. we came home and buried it under a palm tree in front of our house, next to mocha's grave. All our other cats attended the funeral and were meowing. it broke my heart again. today i found out that cookie died, from my brother's tweet. i cried. and then i went and asked muhsin if he already buried her, and he said, yea, he buried her and poodle. and i couldnt take it. i cried some more. and i could tell muhsin had been crying as well and it broke my heart. he was the one who nursed the kittens, brought them to the vet, fed them and cared for them the most. and on his birthday, two of his little babies pass away. :'(

its sadder than when mocha died because mocha got hit by a car, there was nothing we couldve done to prevent that, except lock him up, but that would be cruel. but for the kitties, we were all so busy so we couldnt care for them as well as we should have, they were sick, and quite thin. we didnt do enough for them. we didnt love them enough. we failed. I failed. and it breaks my heart that the cats have to stay outside because i can tell they miss us, and they want to be petted and hugged like they used to. but they arent.

I can't stand not being enough. I hate being a dissapointment.

sometimes i repeat a phrase over and over in my head and sometimes i even mumble them quietly. today i spent a whole 5 minutes saying "toomuchdeathtoomuchdeathtoomuchdeathtoomuchdeathtoomuchdeathtoomuchdeath"
and sometimes my reflections talk to me. well its really just my head but today all the mirrors told me "you're not good enough. just not good enough"

---

I'm thawing out slowly, but sometimes i forget that feelings come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and forms. but the Happy more than makes up for the sad.

Reflections pt1

Once in high school my classmate accidentally swallowed a pin, jarum peniti, while she was fixing her scarf. she was brought to the clinic and the news traveled trough our school. It was a very small school mind you, every grade only had one class and in each class was less than 20 students. so everyone knew everyone, and our whole class was abuzz with this news. when she came back from the clinic and i bumped into her coming up the stairs, i asked her what happened and if everything was okay now. and maybe she was tired or something but she answered with "you know Maryam, you should mind your own business"

i was taken aback and kinda saddened because i was asking out of real concern. and i find that ever since then i tend to hold myself back myself from caring too much. some people dont want you to care i guess. now i have to relearn how to do that.