Tuesday, June 29, 2010

La maison de rêves

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

There is a house, in many aspects it contains elements of your dream house. Magnificent views, spacious interiors, lush furnishings, warmth, comfort, just the right amount of excitement and tranquility. Even though you probably would struggle to afford it, you can somewhat imagine yourself living here. You found it by surprise, stumbled across it, and was thrilled by its seemingly perfect existence. You walk through the house and discover its illustrious history and significance in present times. You know it will be worth a fortune in the future. Caught up in the moment, you devote your time to exploring every nook and cranny of the house, just living in it excites you.

On the first day there, you are a little bit intimidated at all the space and potential, but you soon discover there is nothing to be afraid of. It is just a house, after all. An awesome one at that. On the second day you are just happy to sit back and just absorb everything, absorb every drop of awesome the house never seems to run out of. Little things interrupt you but you bear with them. On the third day is when things get a little more interesting. You begin to actively explore everything, peeling back layer after layer of history and reveling in that magical aura. You dismiss the little flaws you find, thinking that they are a one-off occurrence and won’t detract from everything the house has to offer. On the fourth day you are bristling with excitement and want to tell everyone about your incredible discovery. You gush about the views, the detailing, the ambience, the aura, personality and charm of this prefect structure. When the people you tell nod nonchalantly or seem skeptical you get upset that no one shares your enthusiasm. After your trial week at the house is up, you sadly bid it adieu, vowing to come back.

Days go by, and you start dreaming about the house more and more. So you decide to revisit that house, this time with the intent of finally owning it. Eagerly, you pull into the driveway, nostalgia already tugging at your heartstrings. But this time, with permanence and investment in your mind, you see the house in a different light. Everything you saw before was still there, but this time you spot a glaringly obvious flaw. The house has no basic structure. Your perfect house rests on a handful of rickety pillars, few of them seeming strong enough to support the house itself, let alone you in it as well. All the perfect bits and charms the house had meant nothing without the basic structural integrity. And you finally see what everyone else saw, that the house has been deceiving you, using its fanciful trappings to cover up what it lacked; a basic solid foundation.

Sunday, June 20, 2010


Sunday, June 20, 2010

I wrote a long post about a house, but decided I should post it some other time. I had a weird dream last night. About arms and hands and warmth. About wanting to run away, but not being able to, then resigning, then accepting. About walking and bumping shoulders and being scared and shy. About someone leading the way, strong and silent and sweet and helpful. Guidance

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Midweek semi-update ramblefest

Thursday, June 10, 2010

When dreams start interfering in reality and clouding our minds, is it time to put those dreams to rest?

Let’s compromise

I’m a person who sets very high standards for myself. In school, for example, I expect myself to get excellent grades. That doesn’t mean I’m a study freak, with my nose buried in textbooks all day long. Geek/nerd I may be, but studious, I’m not. I try really hard to pay attention in class (as opposed to falling asleep, which happens in about 90% of the time), and rarely skip any lessons if I can help it. In high school this was easy enough, I actually distinctly remember not doing my chemistry and maths homework. Maths I only did on submission day, while the teacher was collecting the assignments, I would be at the back of the class just starting it. For chemistry, my mom was my teacher, and its not because of that that I didn’t do my work, but I knew how busy she was and that she’d never get around to marking it anytime soon. In retrospect, I suppose I should’ve done my assignments but in the end I managed to get decent grades, so that was ok.

Now in university I still expect the best out of myself but its actually scary that my standards have dropped. I still get decent grades, but it seems like there’s something missing. When most of your assignments are groupwork and the lecturers grade you by group, its hard to bring everyone up to your standards. I’m not saying everyone is lower than me, in fact I know they are very smart and all. But we have different standards,strengths, and methods of working. Its one of the challenges I suppose, and one you have to deal with. But personally, since I expect better of myself, and lecturers expect better of me too, I always feel like I have a duty to do everything. I’m terrible at telling people what to do and delegating… A friend told me, you shouldn’t ever settle for less. But sometimes, I guess you have to compromise. And I’m not just talking about school, either. Just about everything in life is a compromise, it’s a delicate balance of push and pull.

I have never actually thought of myself as an individual, in the sense that I don’t go out of my way to stand out or strike out. I think it just happened somehow, a result of maybe always moving around, or maybe always feeling different. For example, and I’ve mentioned this in a previous post, in grade school I was the only girl to wear a hijab to class. It was something I just accepted, even though I felt different than the rest of my classmates, I didn’t have a problem with it. I guess I became who I was because of the circumstances I was faced with, and my way of dealing (if you can call it dealing) with them. We are, after all, a product of our choices.

I don’t even know what I’m writing about. Haha just felt like rambling.

Things I want to achieve by the end of the year
1. Crochet/knit something that actually functions
2. Learn a new language(at least a little bit)
3. Teach myself some web design basics
4. Teach myself some graphics/multimedia software
5. Travel

Basically want to be productive

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