Sunday, August 22, 2010

Man jadda, wa jada...insha'Allah

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Just came back from dinner with my family. It was okay but the food was nyeh. before dinner started me and my mom and sister were talking...

me: ummi, if i dont get a scholarship i can't go eh?
ummi: Insha'Allah you will get one
me: yeah, i can, but like canada, i got a scholarship, but i still couldn't go. it wasnt enough.
Ummi: yeah i meant if you get a full scholarship, you can go lah.
moon: (something along the lines of) thats stupid, if maryam doesn't get a full scholarship she cant go. Just go lah!

I don't know if i can do it. getting a full scholarship is so hard. and i dont know if i can take the dissapointment again. Canada is still fresh. it still hurts a lot. i still tear up. i had to stop the conversation with my mom because i was starting to cry. and its a birthday dinner so crying would not have been appropriate. reading all the prospectuses and applying gets your hopes up so high, you get so excited, you think of all the opportunity and adventure and experiences you would get. and you get accepted, which means youre good enough to go. but not good enough to get a good enough amount of funding. and that burns. it burns because your best is not good enough. it burns because even though you are accepted, you don't have enough money or dont know the right people to make it possible. it burns because you knew this was going to happen but you hoped and hoped and all of it ended in nothing. it burns.
but, insha'Allah khair. even though trying rips a hole through you, its the only way you'll ever know. try your best and leave the rest to Allah. What is meant to happen happen will happen. *brave face*


Ramadhan is upon us again, Alhamdulillah~ so far it's been an interesting and different experience. I'm working now, and even though I have been through Ramadhan while working before, that was just a temporary office job. Not very challenging. That’s the only thing I regret working so early, not taking an extended holiday, is that I can't give Ramadhan my 100%. I’ll try my best though, Insha’Allah. This week has been pretty hectic. Last week as well, last week was hectic because of work. But this week I was fully booked the whole 5 weekdays for iftar. Monday...well Monday was at home. Tuesday our office had an office iftar at PNB. It was ok, sufficient selection. Wednesday was my brother’s birthday, so we planned on going out for dinner. But my sister and brother had evening classes so that plan was scrapped and we had dinner at home instead. Thursday was the UAC Architectural Students Design competition (intervarsity) prize giving, at the Royale Chulan. It was a nice venue, and Alhamdulillah I was awarded 2nd place. Although it was kind of confusing coz the mock cheque said 1st meritorious award. 1st of the runner ups la kira. There were so many people at the hotel for iftar. It was packed! The spread was very extensive. Anything and everything you can imagine. I particularly enjoyed the avocado salad. But buffets are so wasted on me. Tak berbaloi langsung. I have a very very small stomach so I didn’t even go for seconds. Friday my brother and I were invited to Aliou's house for iftar. Pasta was good, and so was the company. We were chatting to Hassan afterwards, and he doesn’t look it, but he has some pretty weird ideas floating around in his head. It was a whole hour of what if...example: what if you had a superpower that was only active in this one room, once you exit the room it’s deactivated. What superpower would you choose? I chose mind reading. Flying around in a room would be kind of boring, and you can’t walk through the walls coz then you'd be out of the room. Some other questions he posed: what if the world was going to be destroyed and you were chosen to be the sole individual to carry on the human race after everyone dies. Would you accept? (No) what if you were stuck on a deserted island and there was no food, nothing around you. Would you cut off a piece of your own flesh in order to survive (no). Anyways that was the gist of the conversation. Saturday we were supposed to go out for the birthday dinner, but my dad said the place he wanted to go to was fully booked, so dinner was at home. We’ll see how it goes today. Yesterday I went to IKEA, used the money from my first paycheck to buy myself a wardrobe because ours is FULL. Buying furniture felt weird. It’s going to arrive today so I guess I have to clear my room.

On a side note, starting to think about my education more. It’s hard though, when your free time only amounts to the weekends. A lot less time for thinking and strategizing. Hmm.

Going for Tarawih prayers always makes me happy. It's heart warming to see the mosque so full. The first night of Ramadhan the female section was packed so I had to go pray at the topmost level. All the better though. The guys section was also really full, AlhamduliLlah. Insha'Allah it will continue after Ramadhan as well..

اللهمَّ انَّكَ عَفُوٌ تُحبُّ العفْوَ فَاعْفُ عَنَّا

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