Monday, May 31, 2010

The thoughts we ponder

Monday, May 31, 2010

A month from now this will all be over, the crazy hectic student life, to be replaced by the vast and terrifying reality of a world outside these walls. I sit and wonder, about life, love, and everything in between. I think about my goals in life, or the lack of concrete ones. I think about my dreams, to take a year or more off and just travel all around the world, meeting people from my past and meeting new people in the process. I think o f my actual graduation, how I would feel on the day when 3 years of my life culminates in a single strut across a wide stage. I think of what I would want if I were to ask for anything, as a graduation gift (which I know, I won’t). I consider travel, my dream. Impossible, but then I think of another wish. To travel to a country like Egypt and devote myself to studying religion, the Qur’an, Arabic, hadith, and basically educating my soul. I wonder how my parents would react to that suggestion. I wonder, no, I am sure, that they would politely object by saying learning can be done anywhere. I think of more worldly things, like having a car, or asking instead for a chance to further my architectural education overseas. It’s a lot to ask, and it wouldn’t be fair to the rest of my family if I ate up a huge chunk of their life savings. I think of what I am passionate about and mostly come up blank. My passions are selfish ones. I want to improve myself, I want to learn more. I think of love, if it ever really exists in the way that some people portray it to be, or if it something beyond comprehension, as it will always remain to me. I think about family, and how grateful I am that my family is who they are no matter how many times I swear I hate them. I think of my friends, the many, many wonderful friends I can scarcely believe I am lucky to have, and wonder if they feel lucky to have me too. I think of the future, the cloudy, murky, wonderful and terrifying future. I think of freedom, and wonder if I will ever be free of my past demons or if I will ever be in peace with them. I think of feelings, elation, depression, hurt and sadness, worry and confusion, and wonder if I will ever be able to thaw my stone cold heart and be free from the shackles of blank numbness. I think of words, and if I will ever be able to say what my heart desires, truthfully and honestly and with surety and confidence.

I think and think and think.


Sunday, May 30, 2010

the company we keep

Sunday, May 30, 2010

I’ve tried writing this once, twice, thrice, and yet nothing seems to be able to capture even the slightest essence of what I’ve felt in the past couple of weeks. All I can say is, everything happens for a reason, and people should never be judged by their covers. You can learn something from just about anyone, and the past few weeks were a huge and beautiful learning experience for me. Everyone I met was so incredibly refreshing and so so positive, and collectively, it was like a force of energy that I couldn’t get enough of.

All the time, money, energy spent on just about everything was more than worth it. I can hardly remember a time where I was as happy as I was, eager to wake up and face each day no matter how difficult or gloomy it seemed to be. Because I knew that the people around me would supply me with all the encouragement and positive enrgy I needed, and for that I am eternally grateful to everyone

This post is something I tried to muster up. It does not even begin to describe what I felt because I am terrible at saying how I really feel. but trust me, its all good. Thank you


part 1

When you want to tell a million and one beautiful, wonderful, or heartbreaking stories but no words could ever do them justice, what do you do?




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