Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Reflections Pt2

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Its already the second half of the year! Eep! Ramadhan is coming in a month and i really want to make the most out of it this time. I felt like last ramadhan i let a lot of opportunities slip by and even tho part of it was me being busy with work, it was also just me not trying hard enough. I dont want to do that again. Which is why i'm considering quitting my job. I already know i want to stop this year, its just a mette rof when. if i get accepted into any of the local universities (Insah'Alllah), then i will start my semester in September. And i do want a break before joining, so august would be a perfect time for me to uit. I can focus on ramadhan, have my holiday, adn be refereshed, hopefully, for  scholarly life once more. I;m still undecided tho, mostly because i havent received any offers from the local Uni's i applied to. Really hoping they will get back to me asap so i can formally submit my resignation. Tried mentioning it to one of my bosses today but he didnt seem to understand and said it would be better to wait for offers. Thing is i have to give one months notice, so that means if i want to be off work in august, i have to submit my resignation NOW. we'll see how that goes. Insha'Allah i will have decided by the end of this week.

Friday, July 1, 2011

The mysterious land of tears

Friday, July 1, 2011

written on the 25th of June 2011

Yesterday night i watched Pheobe in wonderland, thinking it was going to be a happy and whimsical movie. It wasnt. not to say it wasn't good, but i cried a lot watching it. A lot of emotion in that one, or stuff that i could somehow relate to. There was a scene where Pheobe's mother goes on this outburst. i didnt cry at that part but it was startling how much i could relate to her. not what she was saying, because a lot of it was about motherhood, but how she was feeling. because she'd feel something and that would cause a domino effect of contradicting feelings. And thats what i go through a lot. Another thing is that elle fanning is very very talented. its a good movie, not excellent, but subtle. if you have the chance you must watch it

I remember watching an episode of glee, and crying at one scene. it sounds silly even as i say it but it was the scene where Artie and Brittany broke up. I cried because of what artie said, and then because of what he called brittany. but mostly it was what he said, about not being able to handle not being her everything.

one of our kittens died last week, oreo. i found out as i was leaving the house to go watch super 8. we came home and buried it under a palm tree in front of our house, next to mocha's grave. All our other cats attended the funeral and were meowing. it broke my heart again. today i found out that cookie died, from my brother's tweet. i cried. and then i went and asked muhsin if he already buried her, and he said, yea, he buried her and poodle. and i couldnt take it. i cried some more. and i could tell muhsin had been crying as well and it broke my heart. he was the one who nursed the kittens, brought them to the vet, fed them and cared for them the most. and on his birthday, two of his little babies pass away. :'(

its sadder than when mocha died because mocha got hit by a car, there was nothing we couldve done to prevent that, except lock him up, but that would be cruel. but for the kitties, we were all so busy so we couldnt care for them as well as we should have, they were sick, and quite thin. we didnt do enough for them. we didnt love them enough. we failed. I failed. and it breaks my heart that the cats have to stay outside because i can tell they miss us, and they want to be petted and hugged like they used to. but they arent.

I can't stand not being enough. I hate being a dissapointment.

sometimes i repeat a phrase over and over in my head and sometimes i even mumble them quietly. today i spent a whole 5 minutes saying "toomuchdeathtoomuchdeathtoomuchdeathtoomuchdeathtoomuchdeathtoomuchdeath"
and sometimes my reflections talk to me. well its really just my head but today all the mirrors told me "you're not good enough. just not good enough"


I'm thawing out slowly, but sometimes i forget that feelings come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and forms. but the Happy more than makes up for the sad.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Reflections pt1

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Once in high school my classmate accidentally swallowed a pin, jarum peniti, while she was fixing her scarf. she was brought to the clinic and the news traveled trough our school. It was a very small school mind you, every grade only had one class and in each class was less than 20 students. so everyone knew everyone, and our whole class was abuzz with this news. when she came back from the clinic and i bumped into her coming up the stairs, i asked her what happened and if everything was okay now. and maybe she was tired or something but she answered with "you know Maryam, you should mind your own business"

i was taken aback and kinda saddened because i was asking out of real concern. and i find that ever since then i tend to hold myself back myself from caring too much. some people dont want you to care i guess. now i have to relearn how to do that.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Promise you'll be careful with my heart

Monday, June 13, 2011

It's the little things
They pulled me in and I'm defenceless
I try to ignore like I've done before but it's just useless

I've made up my mind that I'm gonna let you in
And I'm not afraid but I have to say

This is gonna hurt if it ever ends
But somehow you out shattered my defence
This is gonna hurt if it ever starts
So promise you'll be careful with my heart

It's the things you do
They made me fall hard for you and I can't help it
And it's every day that I feel this way
So just don't stop it

I've made up my mind that I'm gonna let you in
And I'm not afraid but I have to say

This is gonna hurt if it ever ends
But somehow you out shattered my defence
This is gonna hurt if it ever starts
So promise you'll be careful with my heart

I won't make excuses
They just all seem useless
You don't have the time
I guess I'll take my chances now that I know love is on the line

This is gonna hurt if it ever ends
But somehow you out shattered my defence
This is gonna hurt if it ever starts
So promise you'll be careful with my heart

Careful with my heart
Careful with my heart

Friday, June 3, 2011

National Poetry Month

Friday, June 3, 2011

Last month April was National Poetry month in certain parts of the world and us kata.mata peeps decided to give it a go. The aim was to write one piece per day at least. I tried my bestest and came up just short at 23/30, which is alright I guess? Not that they are any good, but some of them I really liked.

Here is a link to all my April poetry, and below are some of the ones I liked best. Enjoy!

“The Everywhere House” by Maryam H

The everywhere house
sits on anywhere street
filled with everyday men
doing any day feats

“I don’t keep well” by Maryam H

I keep my hands in my pockets,
Or my arms folded across my ribs
Entwined in a clumsy half-knot
And my fists gently clenched

I keep my legs crossed, one over the other
Left over right, right over left
My dangling foot, tapping, dancing, and then still
Shifting my weight and drawing myself in

I keep my eyes darting and roaming into the distance,
Fixated on a faraway oblivion
And then flickering down at my hands, my feet
A perpetual, evasive drill

I keep my hands, my feet, my eyes from you
But still my heart finds yours

“Who wouldn’t?” by Maryam H

did you hear about the girl who never said a word?
they say she holds a milliom gems in her mouth
and when she opens up,
well. i guess we’ll never find out, will we?

well i heard she has a heart that pumps liquid gold
they say thats why she seems so heavy
it kills her, of course, but she’s already broken.
and when she bleeds,
well. she rarely ever does

i heard when she cries, her tears are falling diamonds
hardened with pain and warm with fury
perfectly cut each time

i’d cry all the time if i was her
i’d cut myself and bleed each day if i was her
i’d talk non stop if i was her

who wouldn’t?

“Please, will you not let me” by Maryam H

Please, will you not let me
Trace the contours of your supple words
Indulge me with the presence of your shadow
Give me the pleasure of your warm hand
And I would gladly return the favor

“Periscope” by Maryam H

We plan and we conspire
Whispering secrets and knowing glances
The world was never smaller when we were apart
And never as together as when we were near
We plan and we conspire
History is something we’ll never have

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Zombie and Architecture Superhero dreams

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Okay this is going to be a short and possibly weird post about two dreams I had, one yesterday and one the day before. Let’s start with the zombie dream.

(Please note that, according to my mom, my dreams never make any sense, or have any point. let’s begin)

The scene unfolds where there are 2 people in a dark room, on a dark night. A Man and a woman. They are arguing, but not violently. The woman asks the man about an ex he used to have, and some issues she had with her. The man has his back to her, and is putting away folded laundry into the dresser. He looks at the woman through the mirror atop said dresser. Suddenly the woman hears soft, haunting singing coming from the window, and you can see a lady with blonde hair perched on the sill, singing. It is the man's ex. the woman asks, what is she doing here?? But the lady on the sill hides from the man's view. The man is about to wave it off when the lady appears in full frame of the window, this time laughing and singing hysterically. Her eyes are bloodshot and her hair is a tangle. Her face is terrible. She is a zombie. The woman is frozen in shock while the zombie lady scratches on the window pane and starts knocking on the glass. The man wheels around and then quickly turns back, rummaging frantically inside the dresser, and finally pulls out a revolver. The zombie starts pounding on the glass and the woman is shaken out of her frozen state and starts screaming in terror. The man aims and fires off a shot, killing the zombie. But just as she falls dead another zombie, this time a man (who was infatuated with zombie lady) appears and is furious that the love of his life is dead. He bangs on the window and another shot is fired, and he also drops dead. The man and woman stand there breathing hard when the bushes start trembling and out bursts a whole legion of zombies, who start smashing the windows. There are too many zombies, and not enough bullets. The man and woman crouch down and run through the house trying to find an escape from the inevitable.
Darkness ensues.
The end.

n.b. I don’t know anything about zombies so the accuracy of the happenings in my dream can’t be guaranteed. I’m heard zombies don’t die when you shoot them. Which is the problem I suppose.

The next dream is a short one. It features me and my siblings, and we form a legion of superheroes with architectural powers. The mission was to erect column on an empty hall that was going to be used as a wedding hall for my cousins wedding. I was the master commander person who orchestrated and directed the whole operation. In my dream there was a real sense of urgency, as if you were fighting evil, even though it was just putting up columns. I suppose we were chasing a deadline. So my brother, rec man, would zap out 4sided shapes also known as squares onto the floor. My other brother would color it, he was b man (b is the shortcut for paint bucket in sketchup) then there's p woman, who could push/pull like that sketchup tool. And together we successfully put up the required columns in a relatively quick time and our cousins got married happily in that hall.

Also, all of us architecture superheroes could fly!

Invasion of the floating cubes by ~saramondo

Friday, May 27, 2011

My rant against the world

Friday, May 27, 2011

//be forewarned. This is a rant//

I feel like a kid who, after being told to be a good boy or else Santa won't be dropping by this year, finds out that not only was he not good enough, but that HAHA Santa isn’t real.
We are told that if we work hard, strive to do our best and be the top among the rest, that there will be some sort of reward at the end of it. That we will get what we want, because we tried and worked so hard for it. And being stupid and naive we believe this. Putting in all our efforts into trying to be the best because we want that bright future that is promised. Like donkeys and carrots. Why do they do that? And why did we believe them? In the end after doing our best, we EXPECT some sort or return. some sort of lauding from the world, a pat on the back saying, well done, chap. now that you've shown that you can jump over hurdles and make it through relatively unscathed, here's a little present to make your going forth a little bit easier. There will be more challenges, of course, harder ones, but if you do well enough, there’s another reward at the end of this tunnel, this road. Go forth, and prosper.


There isn’t. Being the best is not good enough. You have to be better than the best, and be sufficiently normal and extraordinary at the same time. You have to have the luck of a thousand rabbit’s feet, your pockets heavy with horse shoes, and your hands green from all the four leaf clovers you clutch. You have to have a spider web of strings you can pull on. You have to have a group of people holding you above their heads, pushing you into the limelight.

And after trying our hardest, when we don't get any kind of reward, we sit back and quietly cry, and then toughen up and tell ourselves that well, we were just not good enough, and so we try harder. And every time the same thing happens and we feel like giving up because having our hopes and spirits broken time and time again is tiring. But it’s our own fault. We were dumb enough to believe. And then we really feel like giving up but a part of us still says, no, you've still got to try. And try we do.

But this time with the jaded, disillusioned realisation that,

The world can never guarantee us anything.

But Allah can, and does.

p/s: I'm not usually this rant-y. Sorry about this. I have much to be thankful for, I know. I could be getting this all wrong as well. Happier posts are on the way!

note to self:

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Ya gerels :'(

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Just found out that my old Arabic teacher from high school passed away yesterday in a car crash in Sudan. Tr. El-Fateh was definitely one of the nicest and funniest teachers I ever had. Even the way he carried himself was light and limber. I remember getting into all sorts of laughing fits in his Arabic class as me and Zah would write the most absurd Arabic essays (one I distinctly remember was one about going to the moon to get cheese) but Tr. Fateh always laughed along with us, encouragingly. The 2 years I studied Arabic with him was when I picked up most of my Arabic. More than the 5 years I spent in Al-Amin. So much more. He also taught me geography, and I remember learning about Burkina Faso, at the time it was the first time I had heard of this country. He was so approachable too, you'd never be afraid to just walk into his office and have a chat, or use his office phone, or just sit down. And if he met you in the hallways outside of class, there was this one phrase he used to say that was hilarious. He you’d say Ya girls! "ya" as in "wahai" in Arabic. but the way he pronounced girls, it became a 2-syllable word, ge-rels.

He was a teacher to some, neighbor to many, vice-principal to the school, and friend to all. Teachers, and humans like him are rare to find, and his parting is a loss to the world, but Insha’Allah he is in a better place.

May Allah forgive his sins, bestow his mercy upon his soul and grant him the highest paradise, Jannatul el firdaus. Our prayers are with him and his family.


Friday, January 21, 2011

Little Red Dot on the Map

Friday, January 21, 2011

After ages and ages my long awaited trip to Singapore finally happened! A lot of people (read: mom) have asked me, why Singapore?? Well the short answer is that it’s the nearest faraway place, nearest different country. Also, the last time I was there I didn’t get to do much at all, being only there for a day and a half. For the most part, I was busy with work so coordinating and planning the trip wasn’t the easiest thing to do.

Thursday night after work I rushed home and got my stuff together coz our train was at 11 pm from KL central. This was the first time I’d taken the KTM train somewhere far away, and I was super excited. Something about travelling by rail is very...romantic? No that’s not the word. Or maybe it is. Romanticism for the past maybe? Anyways, we all got top bunks, which were more cramped than the bottom ones but had more privacy. Me and Ilham were extra giddy and excited hehe. Ayesha, ever the seasoned traveller, was pretty chill. The bunk across from mine was inhabited by this guy who studied in NTU if I remember correctly. He was weird but nice I suppose. He kept asking the German couple below us random and utterly hilarious questions. The journey was okay, slept for the most part. I thought I would have trouble sleeping at first since the train wasn’t exactly smooth as silk or in any way quiet, but once I pulled up the blanket I fell asleep almost instantly. Old trick. OH! I mentioned how our train was at 11, well in reality it got delayed twice so we ended up boarding at around 11.45. That messed up our itinerary a bit. Arrived at the JB customs at around subuh and at woodlands at just before 8. The funny NTU guy lead us out of the gorgeous KTM station (soon to be torn down if the grapevine speaks true. It also smelled a bit too much of piss. But the architecture was stunning) walked for about 10 minutes through the streets of Singapore to the nearest MRT station, and then rode all the way out to Tampines where we were staying throughout our 4 day 3 night stay.
Rushed back out and made it to Chinatown by noon, where we met up with the lovely Hamimah. On the first day we ended up going to Chinatown, little India, orchard road (where we met up with Sarah, Ayesha’s cousin and whose room we were invading :P) and later at night Arab street/kampong glam for dinner where we met up with Amine, Sara’s sister with the super adorable hair and who has perfected the puss in boots wide eyed look haha!

On the first day I managed to make some field notes, very sparse ones mind you.
Finally got a move on at 11.45. Trying to go to sleep but it’s noisy + bumpy. Should bring earplugs next time. Revolution stuck in my head. Compartment buddies. German architect? First song in Singapore – elite – tamparan wanita hahahah! Courteous ppl. Neighbourhood was lively and active. A lot more old people on the move and outside, out and about. Big landed properties. Urban planning. Birds here don’t poop? Fun on Arab Street. Food and atmosphere of kampong glam at night. Orchard road architecture. Ice cream. Authentic little India. Most walking I’ve done in 6 months or more.
The subsequent days I was too busy and tired to make notes! Will try to remember all the best and interesting parts though hehe

Day 2
UNIVERSAL STUDIOS!!!!!! Weeehooo! Okay first a confession. I couldn’t help but compare everything to Disneyland. Of course, that’s not at all fair. But I was still very the excited about USS. We got there about half an hour before the gates opened and even then there was already a large crowd there. One bummer was that the largest and wildest ride wasn’t open yet, and one other ride was under maintenance. Also, it rained in the afternoon. Pretty heavily, but thankfully I had bought a poncho for the water world show so I put that on. My feet and most of my legs were still soaked, but it was fun, can’t remember the last time I splashed around in the rain :D we also took advantage of the rain to ride the hell out of one of the indoor rides, the one we lined up about 40 minutes for before as a group, but on our subsequent rides we all went solo and had fun making faces at the camera. Actually, the lost world was one of the best parts of the theme park. One thing about USS is that they constantly have people in costumes walking around for photo-ops so we harassed a hunky pharaoh and his jealous Cleopatra-like lady. And then Aminah went all vixen on a pair of Anubis or Seth-like creatures on power stilts. That was a lot of fun haha! Wish we captured their exchange on video but we didn’t :/ some of the shows that we went to were a lot of fun, like the Donkey live show, but there was one in particular that was just WHAAT. So not the way I pictured my first “rock” concert ahah. We planned to go zip-lining after USS but because of the rain we couldn’t. Waited the rain out a bit and then went up to imbiah lookout point for the luge. So much fun! Wheeee~!! Can’t say the same for the skylift back up the hill. We thought it would be a little lift up but it was quite high up and with no harness/restraints keeping us from tumbling down. A very nerve wracking ascend. Never knew I was giddy about unprotected heights. Oh wait. Yes I did :p definitely didn’t feel like jumping this time.
Wanted to wait for the 9.30 fireworks over USS so we stayed up at imbiah lookout and played a spot of truth or dare, for lack of better things to do. The dares had me in stitches!!! Aminah was such a sport and definite cheerleader material :D poor coffee bean workers. Getting harassed by us. In the end the fireworks went off but behind a building so all we could see was smoke =.=
Got home super spent.

Day 3
the plan for day three was Singapore River and surroundings, science centre, and night safari. We did manage to go do all three but didn’t get to spend as much time as I would have liked on the first two. We did do quite a bit though. Visited a burhani mosque near city hall for zuhr, to the disappointment of some there was no one inside to observe. The science centre was extremely fun, sadly only got an hour or so to play around with the exhibits, so we were running around like mad children trying to do see hear touch everything! Fun fun times. Definitely must go back there and go through all the sections more thoroughly.
Night safari was also a lot of fun. The animals were alert, alive, and very close-up. Our tram guide person had a very exotic way of saying babi rusa :P by stroke of luck we were allowed to bypass some people and get onto an earlier tram, so when we finished the tram ride we got off and rushed to the animal show place. When we got there the sign said it was full but we hung around and they managed to let us in. Yay!!

Day 4
by day 4 I was pretty much broke. But we wanted to check out some shopping so we headed over to bugis. Tried on these amazing trousers from topshop and had a good hearty laugh over the price. Crossed over to Bugis Street, which was almost exactly like Petaling Street or Times Square, so didn’t buy anything. Shopping usually gives me a headache, especially in places that are super crowded. Ilham wasn’t feeling too swell either so we ended up just having lunch at pastamania and talking in hushed tones about our opinion of what Singapore really is. Headed back to Novena to board the bus, but whaddaya know, we couldn’t find our bus tickets! Panic! Scramble and rummage through all our bags. No luck. Thank god we had only bought our tix earlier that morning so the lady had it in their records kot, so we managed to get on the bus and waved ta-ta to Singapore....


This was written a while back but never got around to publishing it. My overall impression of Singapore is that it’s a very orderly city, everything works efficiently and smoothly and almost perfectly. Its clean and modern and full of people. Its bigger than I expected, meaning that there is actually distance and length of time for getting places ahaha! I was impressed that cars will stop for you at zebra crossings, which pretty much never happens in Malaysia. It’s a very impressive little country. Nevertheless, in the four days that I was there, I felt like there was something terribly off about the country. Something wrong. Something incredibly odd. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the people and how they are so uniform in mindset? Individuality is very different here, somehow. I still don’t know what exactly what is weirdly offish. But I’m glad to be back. Malaysia, with all its flaws and grit and issues, is still a pretty great place to be, Alhamdulillah :)

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